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I know any seasoned letter writer has them; pen pals that are just no more. More often than not, the communication has just faded. It’s just like the non-letter-writing world, we have friends that were and now are….just blips on Facebook now and then.
I keep records of letters I send out. I have an entry in my address book for each pen pal. I have details on each of them; name and address, of course, but also little details I want to make sure I keep straight. Birthdays. Dislikes. Favorite colors. Names of spouses. Occupations. Pets.
I found myself flipping through this address book recently and noticed something that made me, well, cringe. I have more entries for pen pals that have gone away than pen pals that are still ‘active.’
I have said something here on Simplicity Embellished in many of my posts. I say “I always write back.” And, to this day, I am proud to say that is 100% true. I have never left a letter unanswered. Never. And my unanswered pile currently stands only 4 letters tall, so it’s not like I have a huge pile of unanswered correspondence.
But I wonder, how many of these inactive pen pals have gone inactive because my letter never arrived? I suppose I’ll never know.
I wanted to write about this because of all the wonderful, well-written letter-writing blogs out there, I haven’t seen this mentioned really. I’d like to see what other bloggers think about this topic and what you think about it. Is there anything to do? What is the etiquette here?
Part of me wants to send a note to all those inactive pen pals to just say hello. But I fear I shall not because I have a hunch some of them stopped corresponding with me because they…didn’t like me. That’s OK too, and it’s no fun corresponding with someone you have no connection with. That said, I just want to find out if any of those ‘inactives’ are because a letter didn’t make it to them.
THANK YOU!
The feedback all of you left below has been fantastic. I hope this entire post (and comments!) will serve as a real gem of knowledge for letter writers all around the world. Please add your two cents below if you feel the urge, I’ll leave comments open on this post!
Thanks! Cole
My thoughts on inactive penpals are based off my experience of being one myself. I did not mean to take a break from the hobby, but due to personal circumstances penpaling fell to the bottom of the priority list (along with maintaining my in-person friendships) pretty quickly. Fortunately, a year later it seems like things are getting back on track in my life and I’ve returned to my much loved pastime. During the time I was “inactive” several of my penpals reached out through facebook, email and short notes to ask if I was okay. While I was dealing with difficult circumstances, I can tell you that those notes meant the world to me. To know that my friends were still thinking about me and wondering where I was really helped me to feel less alone. I’m not proud that I left my penpals hanging, however fortunately they all understood given the situation. Ideally I would have written to them and let them know what was going on, but I became incredibly depressed and looking after my own well being was all I could focus on (in the future I will absolutely let them know, however I also know that things can happen and someone’s circumstances can change in an instant). Now that I’m feeling better, I’ve returned to corresponding with several of my old penpals, and all of the ones who reached out to me during that time. It made returning to the letter writing world much easier to know my penpals were thinking of me and that they were still wanting to continue our friendship.
I would encourage anyone with an inactive penpal to send them a quick note, asking if they’re alright and letting them know you’re still interested in being their penpal- nothing to make them feel guilty but just to check in. You never know what life circumstance has happened and why they’ve disappeared (It could simply be a lost letter, and in that case sending a postcard or note would clear up the confusion). Its possible that they stopped writing because they didn’t feel a good connection, but I still would still send a short note. I certainly don’t think it could hurt, and it could really help a penpal who is struggling.
-L
Laura,
This is such a meaningful, well-written comment. I am certain this motivate all of us letter writers to reach out. Thank you for sharing. xo-Cole
There have been times when I didn’t answer mail. Time when things were going on in my life. The person reached out to me through email. I let them know what was going on and when life calmed down, I got back to writing.
Now, I have a couple of people who have not written me back. I’ve reached out to them just to make sure they got my letters, telling them that I was not trying to rush them for a reply. Both said that life was hectic and would write soon. So, we’ll see what happens. :)
Sharon
What a great time for me to read this post! I’d started back pen-palling this past autumn, but spring found me too busy to write back on time. The unanswered letters have been taunting me and making me feel guilty – and ironically, less motivated to write. Now I’ve been reminded that it is the thought and the writing that counts, not the schedule :)
I do too worry about inactive penpals! Sometimes I wonder whether the letter just HASN’T arrived (happens to me a lot, especially from abroad for some reason) or if I just got boring, or made it seem like I didn’t make an effort with my writing (the chicken scratch that my writing is.)
I also tend to be guilty of not checking up – note even leaving a little ‘Did you get my letter?’ on Facebook or something.
(that said, I enjoyed writing to you, Cole! The little extras always made my day.)
There are so many reasons why someone might stop writing that I think checking in, at least once, is never a bad thing, especially when it’s someone whose correspondence you’ve enjoyed. Perhaps your letters didn’t arrive, but perhaps, as other people have suggested, they arrived into the wrong set of circumstances. Or perhaps they arrived, but the return letters didn’t, leaving your pen pals wondering why *you* haven’t written!
I agree wholeheartedly with Jane that the longer I go without answering a letter, the more inclined I am to continue to put off writing. I often feel I ought to send a lengthy and super-interesting letter to make up for being slow…but when to find the time for that? I am learning to send imperfect letters instead. :)
Another idea I have embraced is *not* seeing letter writing as always being a one-for-one exchange. I have a couple friends who I don’t see in person often who aren’t drawn to letter writing, so I just write them little notes whenever the mood strikes. And even if they don’t write back, they often let me know–in some way at some later date–that they were glad to get my letters.
Of course, people do change with time and move on to new interests and adventures. Perhaps your inactive pen pals have traded fountain pens for paintbrushes or cameras? Maybe, instead of letters, they’re writing magazine articles these days? Who knows! But I don’t think it would do a bit of harm to scribble a postcard and check in so they know you’re still interested in hearing about their adventures if they have a chance to drop you a line.
Well, that happens t me too. It’s not easy to get active penpals, in fact. But I usually try to keep the connection. If a penpal takes tooooooo long to reply, I write once more. But Well, if even so nothing comes, I have to give up…….
I had a lot of mail to one particular pal go awol …. so we devised a system by which we send each other emails when we post and/or receive a letter so we know where we are at. But I really want to ask you this – have you ever had a letter returned because your penpal has passed away? it happened to a friend of mine. She got a note from her pal’s daughter with details of what had happened and her latest letter unopened. This story has coloured my perception of this question. When I don’t hear from someone, I always worry about them.
As a general rule I try to keep an email address for my pals as well and so I can shoot them an email saying “Hey there. Posted a letter to you on such-and-such a date, has it got there yet? Is everything good in your world right now?” I have heard back via this method twice – people dropped off due to personal illnesses and once a lady “dropped” me via email and then blocked me from replying. Other times if I suspect that the pal is simply overwhelmed with life at the present time I send a postcard saying “Hey isn’t life crazy? I’ll be here when you find the time. No rush.”
I agree that at times life just seems to conspire to stem all enthusiasm for writing. When I had my second child (if that wasn’t enough of a reason to slow down writing) I sent short notes to my pals letting them know I was struggling with post-natal depression and that I didn’t want to write until I was slightly more cheerful. The support I received was wonderful from the “Please share with us, we are here for you.” to the “That is very considerate of you, write when you can.”
Oh and finally – sometimes people just stop because they don’t like you or the way you write or whatever …. if I suspect this is the case I try to give them a polite ‘out’ – a postcard saying “We seem to have drifted apart – would you like to just call a halt for a while and then if you feel like picking back up at some point in the future, you know where I will be.”
I keep a few “tricks” up my sleeve if there has been a period of inactivity. I like to send a “saw this thought of you” post card. Nothing that demands a letter right away, just something you know they would appreciate. I have also sent Telegrams in place of a postcard. It costs a little more but everyone enjoys them.
Lastly, I generally use this if I am not sure someone has received a letter, I send “my adventure for the week.” For one pen pal this was the story of meeting my new neighbor in a store after seeing him walk down the street dressed as a unicorn. It was light hearted and put a smile on her face. It turns out she hadn’t received the previous letter (and didn’t for another month) but was happy to find a tale of meeting a unicorn in her mailbox.